Just Not Feeling It
by spikessweetgirl75
Summary: My version of Into The Woods. Buffy and Riley confront each other after Buffy finds out his secret.


_(A/N: Dialogue from the episode Into The Woods included in this story. Riley, Buffy, and Xander belong to Joss Whedon. Despite my deep dislike for Riley, I tried to be as fair to him as possible)_

Buffy's full attention was on the punching bag. Every time the image of that vampire with her boyfriend flashed through her head, she would hit the bag that much harder. It was probably wise to say that it was good that she had the punching bag. It probably was saving Riley Finn's life right now. If he was smart, he would just stay away from her for a couple of days.

Of course, Riley Finn could never be accused of being smart. Maybe if he was, he would have known that the initiative wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, or that it was unwise to have vampires suck your blood when your girlfriend was the slayer, and if you did by chance do that, it wasn't smart to walk up behind her while she was placing all of her anger and slayer strength into pummeling a punching bag.

"We need to talk," He simply replied, ready to have it out with her and let the chips fall where they may.

"I'm not ready to talk to you yet," Buffy answered, her voice angry as she continued punching. She was too angry to deal with him. She was too hurt. How could he do that? Have that vampire bitch suck blood from him and do it behind her back?

Riley took off his jacket and tossed it to the side as he walked forward. He took hold of the punching bag.

"Too bad."

"I'm serious," Buffy stopped punching as she turned away. Didn't he know how to take a hint? She was trying not to kill him here. All that anger, all that rage, it was still there, racing through her viens. She wanted to kill something right now. With the way Riley was acting, it just might be him. "Unless you want to fight."

"So let's fight. We need to have this out, Buffy. Right now," he was determined to talk this through. Everything was hanging on the next several moments. Their whole future as a couple, and he wasn't going to let her put him off or push him away.

Buffy turned back, annoyed. What was it with him? Did he not get that she did not want to talk to him right now? "And say what, Riley? What were you thinking? How long have you been lying to me? Nothing you say right now is going to make this better."

She turned away again, hoping that this time he would give up and leave. Of course, that was too much to ask for. He moved forward, following her.

"I realize that. I don't expect that ," then he grabbed her arm and turned her around. His voice turning angry. "I just need you to hear me out."

Buffy's tone was quiet, but the anger was clear on her face. How dare he grab her like that? If it were was anyone else…anything else, he would have regretted that. "Fine. Get your hand off of me."

Realizing his mistake, Riley released her. He hadn't meant…well he had. But how did she expect him to act? She wasn't going to listen to him unless he made her. She had made that clear. He sighed and walked a few steps away. She probably wanted her space and goodness knows, it was probably safer to give it to her.

He finally began to talk, hoping to make her understand why he did what he did. Reach some understanding so they could move forward somehow. "I think, when this thing started, it was just some stupid, immature game. I wanted to even the score after you let Dracula bite you."

Buffy narrowed her eyes. What what part of thrall did this guy not understand? "I did not let Dracula…"

"I know. On some level I know that. But I was still spun," he paused, trying to find the words for how he was feeling. "I don't know, I…I wanted to know what you felt. I wanted to know why Dracula and Angel have so much power over you."

Buffy shook her head. "You so don't get it."

"I wanted to get it, Buffy. I wanted to get you."

"So this is my fault?" She was hurt and outraged. How dare he put his infidelity on her! She had been nothing but faithful to this guy and he acted like she was out willingly getting bitten by Angel and Dracula nightly! "Hey, gee, Buffy's so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die. I think I'll go and let some other w…," She stopped and looked down, trying to get her emotions under control before she started pummeling him again. She was not going to take the blame for this. She refused.

"This isn't your fault. It's mine. I feel like hell for what I've put you through."

Buffy didn't look at him. She couldn't. He said that it was his fault, that he felt bad, but the tone of his voice said otherwise. No, he did blame her. On some level he did. It was on his face and in his voice.

"It's just…," Riley sighed, stumbling over his words. "These girls…"

"Vampires. Killers," she knew that she was being harsh, but he didn't get how much danger he had put his life in. She knew the danger with Angel. She knew that she could handle it because she was the slayer and Angel was good. Dracula…well if she hadn't been under thrall, he wouldn't have gotten anywhere near her neck. Riley was not a slayer. He had no slayer strength to sustain him, plus he didn't know these vampires. They were unsouled and did not care if they killed him. He was just a source of food. Plus, he did what he did willingly. He wasn't under any thrall and that what had hurt the most.

"They made me feel something, Buffy. Something I didn't even know I was missing until…"

Now she was going to be sick. Here it was again, back to being her fault. "I can't. I can't hear this," She turned away, but Riley grabbed her arm again.

"You need to hear this," he stated.

Buffy's rage was back. She pulled her arm away and walked away a few steps, ignoring the urge to throw him across the room. "Fine. Fine! Tell me about your whores! Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't!"

"They needed me."

"They needed your money. It wasn't about you."

Riley walked closer to her. He needed her to see how much the past few months had hurt him. Not being strong like her. Not having her lean on him. How useless he had felt. He needed her to know.

"No. On some basic level it was about me. My blood, my body," He sighed, wondering if he was reaching her at all. "When they bit me…it was beyond passion. They wanted to devour me, all of me."

There were tears in her voice now, the hurt clear as his words ripped into her. She had needed him. Throughout the whole ordeal with her mother, she had needed him and his words hurt. "Why are you telling me this?"

"It wasn't real. I know, it was just physical. But the fact that I craved it…that, that I kept going back…even if it was fleeting, they made me feel like they had such…hunger for me."

"And I don't…make you feel that way?" He must have heard the hurt in her voice, because he at least had the decency to look away. "How on earth can you compare me to that? How can you tell me you understand what those vampires are feeling? You aren't a passion to them, you are a snack! A willing, idiotic snack."

"No, I know exactly what they feel when they bite me, because I feel it every time we're together," His words were angry. How could she not get what he was saying? How could she not know how bad things were for him? "It's like the whole world falls away. And all there is is you."

"And you think that I don't feel the same way about you? How dare you tell me what I feel?"

"You keep me at a distance, Buffy. You didn't even call me when your mom went into the hospital," Riley sighed.

She couldn't believe this. She just couldn't believe this. So she had to take care of her sick mother, who she thought was dying and he was hurt because she wasn't taking care of him? Did he even hear himself? "Oh I'm sorry. You know, um, I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of you when I thought that my mother was dying."

"It's about me taking care of you! It's about letting me in. So you don't have to be on top of everything all the time."

"But I do. That's part of what being a slayer is," She shook her head, not getting him at all. She had to be strong for her mother and for Dawn and she had to be brave in the face of Glory. There was no time to be the girl she was in high school, the girl that cried when things got hard. The girl that allowed her emotions to rule her. She couldn't do that, because if she did...Dawn would die. She wasn't about to risk Dawn's safety. Not for herself and certainly not for him. This year, she had to be strong, not only physically, but mentally. "And that's what this is really about, isn't it? You can't handle the fact that I'm stronger than you."

"It's hard sometimes, yeah. But that's not it."

"Then What? What else do you want from me, Riley? I've given you everything that I have, I've given you my heart, my body and soul!"

"You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it."

The hurt laced through her like a knife. How could he not feel it? She had done everything that a good girlfriend could do. What else did she need to do? Her voice was hard as she tried to conceal the pain that his words had caused. She'd be damned if he knew.

"Well whose fault is that? Because I'm telling you, this is it, this is me. This is the package. And I it's deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere...then we really have a problem."

They both stood there for a minute, staring at each other silently as her words sunk in. It was always like this. She was never enough. She wasn't enough for Angel, not enough for Parker, and now, she wasn't enough for Riley. She looked down at the ground, adding her father on to the list of men she hadn't been enough for.

Finally, Riley spoke. It was time for her to know his plans if things didn't change between them. "They want me back, Buffy...the military."

He felt a small since of happiness at the look of shock on her face. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help but be happy that at last there was something out of her control.

"It's deep undercover, no contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight."

"Tonight?" Buffy frowned, her mind reeling from this sudden influx of information. "When were you going to tell me about this?"

"I'm telling you now."

He was telling her now? Like that was enough time for her to process all of this. "Are you going?"

"I don't know. If we can't work this out..."

"Then what? This is goodbye?"

Riley shrugged, not having anything else to say, but Buffy got mad. How dare he! He was the one that screwed up! He was the one that as good as cheated on her and now he wanted to take away her right to be good and angry about this?

"You are unbelievable. You're giving me an ultimatum?"

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are! You expect me to get over it now or you're gone!"

"I don't, Buffy, that's not what I meant."

"Well, I have heard enough," She stared at him angrily, not able to really stand the sight of him. I will not take the blame for this."

She turned around and began to walk away. She couldn't just get over what he had done. She couldn't just forgive him and pretend like it had never happened, like he wanted her to. If he wanted to go, he could go. She had too much on her plate. She had to worry about Dawn, worry about her mother, worry about keeping her friends safe, and on top of that, make sure that his feelings were taken care of! Something had to give!

"I'm not asking you to…," he grabbed her arm again, wanting to explain himself.

"Let go of me!" She pulled her arm away, feeling everything in her world crash down on her. She couldn't handle this. Not this time. She took the blame for Angel turning into Angelus. She took the blame for stabbing Faith. But she will not take the blame for the end of this relationship. She was done with letting people make her responsible for any and everything that can go wrong. Even if it meant losing them.

"Or what? You'll hit me?"

Buffy stared at him as if he had gone out of his mind. Of course. Mr. macho military man, wanting to prove he can stand up to the slayer. How did she ever mistake this relationship for love? How could she have given herself to this man over and over again and not realize this flaw? She wished it was as easy as to say that he had lost his soul, but she knew that it wasn't. This had always been there.

He spread his arms out, daring her. "Go ahead. Come on, do it."

For a moment, she wished that she was Faith, who really would do it, but something inside her kept her back. "Get out of my way."

"I'm serious, Buffy, hit me. Hit me."

He walked right up to her, wanting her to do it, knowing that it'd make her feel better. It may even clear things up between them, but she walked right around him and took her jacket off of a hook.

"I'm leaving, Buffy."

She stopped walking, but didn't turn to face him. She was done. She was more than done. He wanted her to accept the blame for everything. He wanted her to beg him to stay. He could just go fuck himself...or find another vampire whore to do it.

Her refusal to turn around didn't stop him though. He was still going to have his say, so he spoke to her back.

"Unless you give me a reason to stay...I'm leaving tonight."

Buffy opened the door and walked out, closing it behind her, giving him her answer. This wasn't her screw up. It wasn't her fault. Even if she wanted to give him a reason to stay, he probably wouldn't believe it. He hadn't believed in her love all this time, why would now be any different? It was best to just let him go before this became even more toxic than it already was.

…...

The stupid vampires didn't know how to be thankful that she hadn't staked them on sight and move on. No, they had to come after her. She took special joy in staking them too, especially Riley's slut. She especially enjoyed that. Now she was ready to just go home and go to bed and she was about to do that when she turned to see Xander coming up behind her. She sighed, wondering why he wasn't home with Anya.

"So, how'd that work out for ya?" He asked. "Make you feel better?"

"What are you doing here?" She asked wearily. She loved Xander. He was like a brother to her, but she was really in no mood for him at the moment.

"I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw the skirmish happen. I was gonna lend a hand, but I noticed that you grew a few extra ones."

She really was in no mood for him. "Go home, Xander." She turned to walk away, wanting to just be alone. Get used to being alone, because really, as a slayer, that's what she'll always end up as anyway. Alone.

"Buffy."

She turned back and glared at her friend. It wasn't safe out here. Not for him. Not for anyone. "I'm serious!"

"So am I. Something's up. You're acting like a crazy person."

Buffy turned and began to walk away again. Without saying a word, Xander followed. He watched as she pushed aside a large metal door of a warehouse and entered. Taking a deep breath, he followed her.

There were boxes and metal cans stacked neatly on metal shelving. Buffy walked over to a set of shelves and leaned he face against it, enjoying the cool metal against her overheated skin. She stiffened to hear Xander walk up behind her.

"Take this, for instance. You don't wanna deal, so you hide? It's not very slayer-like."

Buffy rolled her eyes, wishing that Xander would just take a hint and leave her alone. "Just leave me alone, Xander. You have no idea what's going on."

"No? Good, so you and Riley aren't imploding?" He shrugged as Buffy turned to him, surprised. "It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming."

"What? Who told you?"

"Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It was right in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you."

Typical. Just typical, her world is blown apart and here is her good friend Xander, here to tell her that it was her fault once again and to make good and sure she knew it. Never mind all that she had on her plate these past few months. Her sister was some mystical key that she had to protect, her mother nearly died, she even had to drop out of college to be able to manage everything. Yet, she was still expected to shoulder the blame for Riley's inability to feel loved by her. Somehow that was her fault. She had to wonder whose friend he was anyway. Her's or Riley's?

"The guy got himself bit by a vampire," She took grim joy at seeing the surprise in Xander's face at that. "He lied to me. He ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed! And now he tells me that he's leaving with some covert military operation at midnight unless I convince him not to. Now tell me that you understand. Because I sure as hell don't."

"You gonna let him go?"

Buffy sighed. "It's not my decision to make."

"Of course it is."

"Well, it's not fair."

"Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes, Riley's gonna disappear, maybe forever, unless you do something to stop him."

"What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?"

The disbelief in Xander's voice was clear. "Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here..."

"I don't even know who he is anymore. I mean, I thought he was...dependable."

"Dependable? What is he, State Farm?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to and take off when you didn't."

"Look who's talking. Look who has Anya following him around like a lovesick puppy."

"Oh boy, is this not about me."

One thing she didn't like about Xander. He was always so ready to judge her, but let anyone mention his shortcomings, he bristled.

"Is she more than a convenience? 'Cause that would kinda be a surprise."

"If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now," Xander angrily huffed, indeed uncomfortable with Buffy's words.

"Good, 'cause I don't," She turned to walk away. As far as she was concerned, the conversation was finished...that was until Xander intercepted her.

"I lied. See, what I think, you got burned with Angel, then Riley shows up."

Buffy stared at him, really starting to become pissed off. "What the hell, Xander. Angel has nothing to do with this!"

"But he does. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums?"

"Xander shut up! Riley wasn't even the first guy I dated after Angel! Remember Parker? Yeah, you're so busy singing Riley's praises, you forgot all about him! And I did not shut down! I gave Riley everything I could give! I slept with him, I protected him, I...I did everything with him! I'm sorry that my mom's sickness and my sister being in danger got in the way of me stroking his ego, but he is not the center of the universe! I am not going to take the blame for this! Not from him and not from you!"

"Buffy..."

"But since you seem to like ultimatums, here's one. Figure out what you are in this relationship Xander. You're either my friend or my judge and jury. If you're my friend, we're cool. I accept your friendship with open arms. But if you're my judge and jury, which you have acted like plenty of times in the past and I have had enough, just stay the fuck away from me. I have enough of that from the world. I don't need it from my friends."

There was hurt in Xander's eyes, but Buffy couldn't bring herself to care. He had hurt her by joining Riley's blame Buffy for my sucky life club. He was always ready to judge her and throw the book at her when need be. He could be a great friend, but when he was judging her, his word always cut with a knife and she just couldn't take it anymore. She wouldn't.

"Call me when you have the answer to that, Xander. Or don't."

"Buffy, how can you say that? I've always been your friend. I've always been on your side."

Buffy shrugged and used words similar to the ones that Riley had used against her that very evening. "I'm just not feeling it, Xander. I'm just not."

She turned around and walked out into the night, leaving Xander to think about what had just happened and come to a decision that needed to be made.


End file.
